DA ORK KESTRA BANISHES THE DRAKWALD DEMONS
by Arwen Anders, Spike! Sideline Reporter
The day was clear and calm as the Orc Kestra and the Drakwald Demons took the field for the opening drive of their Interdivisional match. A delicious smell wafted from the Demons' dugout across the field, where the Chosen of Tzeentch Loutrak Belariss slowly stirred the contents of a recently-appropriated Halfling Hot Pot, the limbs of its former owner boiling slowly in its contents; and marauder Vargim leered at the Bloodweiser Babe as she set up a keg in the dugout.
Whether just a twist of fate, intercession of the Chaos Gods, or the quasi-mortal hand of Belariss itself, no sooner had Jus' Hatin' kicked the ball to Demons to begin the match when the heavens opened and a deluge poured forth, soaking the players, ball, and pitch (and this reporter!) near-instantly; the storm did not abate until the game had long ended.
The tone of the match was set early on, as Asterion the minotaur knocked down No-Hands Brawns, giving Globbag the oppotunity to put the boot in and KO the hapless Orc blitzer. The Kestra answered this with violence in kind, but uncharacteristically failed to forget about the ball, when Feelix Meddlesum was thrown deep into the Demons' backfield, charging alone against Nanilgan Warsurge, the lone elf renegade and ball carrier. This burst of tactical acuity did not challenge the orc playbook overmuch, as the Kestra hit hard and fast, in no way intimidated by the trio of towering terrors on the Demon's front line. Eager to give their marauders a break, quick as it may have be, Warsurge threw a quick pass to Ueeqekch Lonebreaker, and the Skaven ran the ball in for the first touchdown of the game.
The crowd was clearly on the Kestra's side, which should have been obvious from the sea of green skins in the stands, though this reporter can be forgiven for having mistaken some of the fans for Nurgle's chosen through the teeming rain. Buoyed to greater heights of frenzy by the Orcish cheerleaders, the Kestra retook the field intending to make the Demons pay for their insult. In blood, though that goes without saying - they're orcs, after all.
After receiving the kickoff, the Kestra did what they do best and flattened the Demons' line of scrimmage - though this reporter must point out that none of the three big guys were part of that line, so the carnage mostly consisted of Black Orcs punching Marauders in the face. It was the newly returned No-Hands Brawns that picked up the ball, belying his name, and started to push forward through the fallen bodies. It was Warsurge who shoved through the ragged cage to knock Brawns down, but when he attempted to slip back out before revenge could be doled out he tripped over a mushroom and knocked himself out. I'd imagine the coach had harsh words for Brawns after the match ended.
The Kestra seemed to really find their stride at that point, with team captain and preternaturally dodgy Jus' Hatin' retrieving the ball and starting to plod slowly toward the Demons' end zone. Meddlesum put the boots to a fallen Grukorg the Chaos Ogre - aided by no fewer than FIVE of his teammates, but only managed to stun the great creature. Gio Roast-a-Teeny lashed out at the traitorous Gurukk, who had turned from the proper workshop of Gork and Mork in favour the Chaos Gods, and dealt him a concussion whose effects will not soon abate. As the clock ran down on the first half, Hatin' pushed slowly but surely toward the scoring line. A last-ditch blitz from the marauder Vargrim put his scoring chances in jeopardy, but Hatin' retained his feet and dove across the line just as the bell sounded to end the fist half.
With the Demons missing a significant number of their more fragile players, their defensive setup was concentrated in the centre of the pitch and they looked poised to counterattack rather than to weather an initial onslaught. The roars of the Kestra fans once again pushed their morale higher, counteracting some of the hunger pangs caused by the Halfing Hot Pot in the Demons' dugout. As the half opened, the kick fell short and a touchback was taken by Hatin', and a trio of Black Orcs pushed through the paper-thin line of scrimmage and Broken Grukog's ribs, taking him out of the game, and indeed, next week's match.
Kestra showed a little more discipline in the start of the second half, and this reporter posits that the lack of viable targets kept them from getting too focused on the violence of the game, though the goblin Jisippy Hurty took every opportunity to kick, punch, and stab any opponent unlucky enough to be on the ground - though only when he could count on the assistance of at least a couple of his teammates. Though the Demons fought a valiant guerilla defense against the green tide, it was not enough to stop the Kestra from pushing through to their backfield, and a quick pass from Hatin' to Hurty was caught and run in to pull the Kestra ahead.
Once more, the waves of cheers buoyed the spirits of the Kestra, and the deep kick to the Demons fell just short of their goal line. Warsurge made a valiant effort, grabbing the ball and moving it upfield, searching for Lonebreaker on the wide end of the pitch, far away from the majority of the Orcs who were busy mauling the Demons' marauders. He launched it into the air, but it was plucked out of the sky by Jus' Hatin', who ran for the end zone. It was at this moment that the skies split, and a lightning bolt called from the heavens by the Chaos Wizard on the sidelines struck Hatin' full on. The orc was knocked senseless, but somehow not injured. Still, with no Demons nearby, Hurty was able to grab the ball and scamper into the end zone just before the final bell, leaving time for a kickoff and once last chance for the bedraggled Demons.
Alas, any moral victory was to be denied. The Kestra's kick fell just over the line, and as it soared through the air, the orcs dove into action, Blitzing the hapless Demons. No fewer than three orcs crossed the line of scrimmage to the area of the ball, and it was Pee-yoter Chopovsky that caught the kick as it fell, putting an end to any hopes the Demons or their fans might have for a miracle touchdown or pass.
Final score: Da Orc Kestra 3 - Drakwald Demons 1
|Posted Wed Oct 16 2019 3:38:50 (last edited Wed Oct 16 2019 9:00:41) by Feegle